Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
