More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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