Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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