Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
