Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
