Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
