I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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