and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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