Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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