Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
