Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I use my feet as sexual weapons
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
