So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
