I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he thought i was a dude.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
