I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
