Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
