"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
