i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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