Cold hands, warm shart.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
