When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
