the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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