I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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