my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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