cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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