on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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