After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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