Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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