Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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