You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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