She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
