I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
