oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
