you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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