god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We need a shit load of segways right now
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
