we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
