i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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