Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
