just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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