What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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