You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
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We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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