haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
