The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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