And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
