Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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