you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
