Sry I called you an 8
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
