Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
