Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
