just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
where does the pee come out of this thing
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.