DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
