I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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