So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
