I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
