Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
