apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need to calm my uterus...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
