I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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