Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
