Please, let me fuck your mom
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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