i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
